just when you think things are looking up...

I dont even know what to think right now. My heart is so shattered and torn and broken and every other word you can think of. Me and my baby's daddy have been talking a little recently and i thought we were getting somewhere but apparently not. We had a conversation today that just ended so badly. He basically called me a name and said that he was done trying to be nice to me and make an effort to talk to me when all i can do is be mean (which i wasnt) so i asked him why he even calls if im so mean and he said he really doesnt know. So i told him to stop calling and hung up before he could say anything. I just feel so torn...a part of me feels bad for him even though i did nothing wrong. I feel bad because i want my son to know his father and it breaks my heart that he might not.
Me and the bd (baby daddy) had been talking about how he was going to help support the baby when he comes and he wants to just give me money whenever i need some and i think he should be put on child support. But he said if i do that then he doesn't want to be in his life because that's basically saying that i just want his money. I tried to explain to him that its not about money its about responsibility but he didn't want to hear it. I cant get anywhere with him and its so frustrating. I just asked God tonight to please soften his heart or change his heart so he sees what hes doing. If there was a way to work it out between us i would try but i just don't see that happening anytime soon, I'm at my wits end and i don't know what to do anymore. Its like hes sucking the life out of me every time i talk to him. Its not healthy for me or the baby for me to always be stressed out or crying when i am on the phone with him. So i was just crying out to God tonight asking him what i should do because i cant do this on my own. He is the only one that can solve this problem and i just need to trust him to do that but sometimes its so hard. I want to just try and fix it on my own but i can't because I'm human and i make mistakes, but God doesn't. He sees the bigger picture, the one i cant see and hes painted it beautifully, over time he knows just when and where to make the next move to complete my picture. Its so hard to trust...i just want the best for jeremiah and i want to be happy too. I also don't want to hurt my baby daddy i just cant talk to him anymore i guess. I'll let God work on his heart and when he's ready i guess he'll give me a sign or something. lol. I don't really know how it all works but i do know that God works out everything for my good...he wont fail me. I just have to trust in that to keep me going everyday. I believe that He has great plans for me and my child...even though i cant see them yet i know they have to be great.

Lord show me how to love like you do...teach me to be patient and kind to those undeserving of it. Show me your glory Jesus, i want to bask in your presence, i want to sit at your feet, its my favorite place to be.

resentment

i wish i could believe you, then ill be alright
but now everything you told me, really dont apply...
to the way, i feel inside.
Loving you was easy, once upon a time, but now my suspiscions of you have multiplied,
and its all, because you lied.

i only give you a hard time, cause i cant go on and pretend like,
i havent tried to forget this, im much too full of resentment.

Just cant seem to get over, the way you hurt me,
dont know how you gave another, who didnt mean a thing...
the very thing, you gave to me
i thought i could forgive you, and i know you have changed
as much as i wanna trust you, i know it aint the same.
and its all, because you lied.

Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new LIFE....and im feeling good.

Hey my name is Meagan LaReigh. i wanted to start a blog not really for others to creep on me and learn more about me,  but for myself. Ive been through so much lately and im not the type to write it all down on paper. This seems a little more personal and i haven't been able to share my thoughts about my life with others recently. I am 21 years old and 6 and a half months ago i found out that i was pregnant. I was brought up in a Christian home where i was always told that sex before marriage was wrong and i believe that to this day. But somehow things change when you have your first boyfriend and hes telling you he loves you. I am african american and i was adopted by a white family and have lived with them since the day i was born. I love my family with all my heart but growing up it was hard to know where i fit in. My family travels and sings in a gospel group and my Dad is an evagelist, i have 4 sisters and they all have amazing voices. So when i came along and could sing also my parents knew that God had brought me into their lives for a reason. I dont know how it happened but guys started to take over my life and i wanted a boyfriend so badly. Well here i am a few years later and im pregnant. Its not that i didnt want children, just not like this. I met the baby's daddy online (bad decision) and we talked over phone calls and texting for about 6 months. I thought he was great, he was tall , dark, and handsome. Plus he had just joined the army and men in uniform are hot right? lol. So we finally met in December and i knew from the moment i met him that all he wanted was sex. So i figured i would just do it because he had told me that he loved me and i thought i loved him. A month later i took the test and i was shocked to say the least. I didnt know what to do it felt like the whole world had caved in on my shoulders and NOBODY was there to help me. I told the father and he was happy about it and thought it was great...but we come from two very different worlds. To him it was just a baby and it was all good, but to me it was a huge disappointment to my family, my friends, my Dad's ministry. I felt like i had just done the unforgivable and when everyone found out they would call me names and talk bad about me. So i couldnt be excited about it because i wasn't. I was horrified and scared and i honestly just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. To top it off got really really sick and still am...apparently morning sickness runs in my birth mothers family. But the father was being very insensitive and impatient because i was not in the mood to do anything and i was always in a bad mood. I finally told my parents and they were very angry, and rightfully so. It was really bad for the first few months after that but now they are great...i couldnt ask for a better support system. Me and the father broke up when i was about 2 months along because he said that he wasnt happy because i am selfish and all i think about is myself and he just wasnt having fun anymore so he dropped me but still wanted to be in the baby's life. I was really hurt and still and so we dont talk very much because its just too hard. He's in Afghanistan at the moment and honestly i dont mind...i dont want to say i hate him but that is what i feel in my heart. He never had any intention of being with me in the future this was just for fun. It just makes me want to barf and wish bad things for him but i wont, because im better than that.


I can honestly say that my life now is better than its ever been. I am happier than ive ever been in my life and i think its because God is in full control now and i am so in love with him. He is the one constant in my life and he will NEVER leave me and he wont forsake me, he is going to love me no matter what i do, no matter how many times i fail he is always going to be there. I have felt the love of God so much in the last few months it makes me want to cry when i think about how much he loves me. This pregnancy was not a mistake...God doesnt make mistakes. In the Bible it says the He knit you and formed you when you were in your mothers womb. He knew this baby was going to come now and he knew that this is what it would take for me to open my eyes and realize that my life is not my own. I love my child and i cant wait to tell him about Jesus and share with him all the values that my parents instilled in me. i do not regret this baby...how could i? Baby's are a gift. I am choosing to lift my head high and love my life now...because its only gonna get better from here.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For i know the plans i have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future.


i have hope for the first time in my life....finally i can breathe:)