I dont even know what to think right now. My heart is so shattered and torn and broken and every other word you can think of. Me and my baby's daddy have been talking a little recently and i thought we were getting somewhere but apparently not. We had a conversation today that just ended so badly. He basically called me a name and said that he was done trying to be nice to me and make an effort to talk to me when all i can do is be mean (which i wasnt) so i asked him why he even calls if im so mean and he said he really doesnt know. So i told him to stop calling and hung up before he could say anything. I just feel so torn...a part of me feels bad for him even though i did nothing wrong. I feel bad because i want my son to know his father and it breaks my heart that he might not.
Me and the bd (baby daddy) had been talking about how he was going to help support the baby when he comes and he wants to just give me money whenever i need some and i think he should be put on child support. But he said if i do that then he doesn't want to be in his life because that's basically saying that i just want his money. I tried to explain to him that its not about money its about responsibility but he didn't want to hear it. I cant get anywhere with him and its so frustrating. I just asked God tonight to please soften his heart or change his heart so he sees what hes doing. If there was a way to work it out between us i would try but i just don't see that happening anytime soon, I'm at my wits end and i don't know what to do anymore. Its like hes sucking the life out of me every time i talk to him. Its not healthy for me or the baby for me to always be stressed out or crying when i am on the phone with him. So i was just crying out to God tonight asking him what i should do because i cant do this on my own. He is the only one that can solve this problem and i just need to trust him to do that but sometimes its so hard. I want to just try and fix it on my own but i can't because I'm human and i make mistakes, but God doesn't. He sees the bigger picture, the one i cant see and hes painted it beautifully, over time he knows just when and where to make the next move to complete my picture. Its so hard to trust...i just want the best for jeremiah and i want to be happy too. I also don't want to hurt my baby daddy i just cant talk to him anymore i guess. I'll let God work on his heart and when he's ready i guess he'll give me a sign or something. lol. I don't really know how it all works but i do know that God works out everything for my good...he wont fail me. I just have to trust in that to keep me going everyday. I believe that He has great plans for me and my child...even though i cant see them yet i know they have to be great.
Lord show me how to love like you do...teach me to be patient and kind to those undeserving of it. Show me your glory Jesus, i want to bask in your presence, i want to sit at your feet, its my favorite place to be.
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